Thoughts about Cas
by Swirga
Summary: Cas is back from Purgatory, and Dean has to think about his feelings for him. Warning: Season 8 Spoilers! Destiel M/M


**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or any of those great Characters, nor am I affiliated with the show. (obviously).**

**Spoilers: Season 8!**

**Authors note: I never wrote a Fan fiction Story before, this is the first one and English is NOT my first Language!**

**I would really appreciate it if you could leave a Review and tell me if there are any Grammar/Spelling Mistakes and also if you could let me know if i should keep my hands away from the Keyboard from now on, just be honest.**

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**Thoughts about Cas**

It was the night after Castiel came back from Purgatory, Dean was still confused because of what happened, he asked himself how Cas managed to get out of there, but he didn't want to think about it, he just wanted to be Happy that his Friend is still alive and forget about everything that happened.

But all he could think about were the events of the day when they tried to escape, how he wanted to Save Cas, how he didn't want to let go of his Hand, how he knew he had to pull him out of there, how he didn't want to leave without him.

When just he and Benny got out of Purgatory, he gave himself the fault for what happened, he taught he should have tried harder, he should have found a way to help Cas, he tried to forget about all this, but he couldn't.

And at some point he managed to convince himself that Cas was Dead, that there was no way, that he could ever see him again, that was the only way for him to be able to let go of his Angel and it made sense, Purgatory isn't exactly a pie eating contest, especial for an Angel of the Lord, he sure drew a lot of attention to himself and all those Leviathans would certainly be more than happy to finally get rid of him, the possibility of Castiel returning was almost non-existent.

But there he was, the Angel in his beige Trench coat, looking like he had been living in a Dumpster for the past year.

Something happened that moment he saw Cas, Dean simply wasn't able to give a normal reaction to his friends unexpected return, he didn't act all Happy, how he should have, he just felt incredibly Hurt and guilty all those feeling he had, when he left Cas in Purgatory while he and Benny were able to get out of there came back to him.

Of cause he was glad Castiel was still alive but he also felt terribly bad, he was afraid Cas might be angry or upset at him, because he didn't try hard enough to help him.

The Angel saved Dean a thousand times, he brought him back from hell, he was always there for him and his brother, when ever he needed his help, he was just one call away, and after all that, Dean wanted to do the same for Cas in return but he wasn't able to do so.

A part of Dean knew Cas would never blame him for what happened, he was too good for that, he didn't know if it was because Cas was an Angel or because its just his personality, Dean met a lot of Angels and they sure aren't all Nice and Forgiving, a few where actually brutal Assholes, but not his Cas, no, he was so full of kindness and love, he seemed so innocent, that you sometimes forget that he could kill a demon with one touch of his Hand.

With all that on his mind, he didn't get more than one hour sleep that night.

The next Day he talked to Castiel and it did not help at all, Cas told him that he wasn't weak, that he was stronger than Dean, that he pulled away when dean tried to hold on to him, that he choose to stay there, that he didn't want to be saved.

Cas was so full of self pity, he blamed himself for everything, he had the weight of the world resting on his shoulders, he actually thought he deserves to suffer in Purgatory.

That was even worse, then the thought of Cas blaming Dean for everything, he would rather know that Cas hates him, then to see him despise himself, he wanted to tell him that it couldn't be his fault, that everything he did was out of best intentions, he wanted to make clear that it wasn't Cas who killed all those people, that he didn't have control over himself, but Sam interrupted their conversation, he just walked towards them and asked if everything was okay.

Nothing was okay, Dean was close to tears after the talk he had with Castiel, he wasn't sure if he could ever convince Cas that no one blames him for anything, that he and Sam already forgave him.

Cas was the only Friend Dean had at that moment, if you don't count his Brother, who didn't even try to find Dean after he disappeared and Garth who was not much of a friend, just some weird college who imitates his Dead Father Figure, sure Garth was a nice guy, but not much of a good friend.

Cas was special, Dean never felt like this before, not for anyone else and this evening after he talked to him, he realized something, he realized that he loved Castiel, not as a friend, not like he loved his Brother, he truly loved him.

He, of all people, Dean Winchester, the Demon hunting, Alcoholic who fucked almost every attractive women he met, he couldn't believe what he was feeling, not just because Cas was a guy, no, it was because Dean never loved anyone before, the only time he ever felt something similar was during the year he spend with Lisa, but it was not really true love.

Sure, she was an intelligent, funny and really good looking woman and he liked her a lot but the reason why he stayed with her and Ben was that he felt save, he wanted to forget everything that happened, he wanted to have a normal life and since he never really was in love he taught that was the closest he could get to happiness.

On his way back to the Motel, he was thinking about those feelings, he was sure he didn't want to act on them, that would be inappropriate, Cas was a Friggin' Angel, he could never love Dean that way.

Dean wasn't sure if Angels even know how to act in a relationship and he was pretty sure Cas was Asexual, the only thing that could make him think different was the time Cas Kissed Meg, but it sure didn't mean anything to him, Meg started it, she pulled him into that kiss, he only picked up some things while he was watching that Porn Movie and he wanted to try them with someone.

But he did Kiss her back, really intense.

The taught of Cas pushing Meg against that Wall gave Dean a strange feeling, was he jealous?

No that cant be, there is nothing he could be jealous of, if Angels can fall in love, they sure don't do that with Demons.

He couldn't sleep, just like the night before, he decided he would never do something about those feelings, he would never mention anything about that to anyone, but he would have to talk to Cas and tell him that nobody is blaming him for anything, he cant stand the taught of Castiel feeling the way, he did after Purgatory, it sucks to blame yourself for any harm that's been done to your friends.

He doesn't know how he managed to fall asleep after that Day, but he did and he dreamed about the day he escaped Purgatory and left Castiel, but in this version of the day Cas died right in front of deans eyes, he tried to reach him, but it was too late, he was already in the Blue Opening and it pulled him away while Leviathans ripped Castiels Heart out.

When he woke up in next morning, he was glad it was just a dream, he opened his eyes, Sam was nowhere to be seen and Cas was sitting on the edge of Deans bed with a concerned look on his face.

Dean didn't expect that at all, when he saw him he didn't know what to do, he only said "Cas..? What the Hell...?" and he set up to look at Cas, who responded with a confused but kind and calm voice and asked him "Dean .. it .. it seemed like you where having some kind of Nightmare, I heard you saying my name, is everything ... okay with you?"

His Answer was really silent "Cas … I just had a bad dream, okay, everything is fine!"

Castiel was still looking concerned, he looked at Dean, like he knew he was hiding something.

Nothing was fine, it was a lie, Dean couldn't stop thinking about last night, everything was back, it was all there in his Head, it was too much for him, he was close to crying, like yesterday and he couldn't hold it back, just one single tear, he hadn't cried for a long time now, he had to be strong for everyone else, but not today he just couldn't hold that back, he pulled Cas into a really close Hug.

" love you, Cas" was all he was able to say, holding on to the fabrics of Castiel's Trench coat.

Cas was confused, he didn't know how to respond to that, what to say, what to do, it felt awkward but after a few seconds he returned the Hug, his Arms on Deans back, he was holding him, he never wanted to let go of him, he wanted to comfort Dean, he just told Cas he loved him, it felt amazing, he was sure he doesn't deserve the love of someone like dean, but he didn't care, he loved dean for years now, he loved him all the time and now the knows that he was loved in return, that was the best feeling he ever experienced.

Castiel wanted to make Dean Happy more then anything else and he wants to give this a chance and try to build a relationship with dean, something Cas never had, it doesn't matter if he's not worth it, if he dosnt deserve to be loved by this remarkable human, maybe it would make Dean happy too.

He pulled away from the Hug.

Dean blushed he said "I'm so sorry Cas, I shouldn't have told you, I know you wouldn't even consider someth..."

He couldn't say anything else because Cas broke him off with a kiss.

It was not the kind of kiss Cas and meg had shared , it was less aggressive and more passionate, it was loving, it was just perfect, that kiss held on for almost a minute and when Dean pulled away he tried to ask Cas how he felt about him and he wanted to tell him how amazing that kiss was, but he only managed to say something like "Cas ... this …"

"I love you too, Dean." For the first time in his life Cas had told someone he loved him and it felt good, he felt so human.

After that Dean pulled him in for a second kiss, this one lasted longer and was even more passionate than the first one.

Both of them knew this wouldn't be easy, they would never have a normal live together, but their lives have never been easy or normal and this was definitely worth a try.


End file.
